We were at breakfast in San Diego earlier this week at one of our favorite restaurants – The Mission. While we did not indulge in their famous French toast on this trip, the table of four women next to us were sharing one large portion. All but one of the women were taking bites and pronouncing it delicious, but one was politely declining. (I stole a look at her plate – eggs, avocado, side of salsa, no toast. Mmm-hmm.)
Her casual “no, thanks” prompted a strong response from the group – everything from, “Oh, come on, you can have just one bite, can’t you?” to “This stupid diet you’re on is making you less fun.” Finally, the woman gave in and helped herself to a few forkfuls of the sweet stuff, and conversation and laughter carried on.
This experience probably feels familiar to most of us who eat a Whole9 or Paleo-style diet. Avoiding bread, desserts, pancakes, or alcoholic beverages while dining out in a group often draws unwanted attention and disparaging comments from those we consider our friends. Sometimes well-intended, sometimes not, these comments can make a dining experience less than pleasant, and puts us in a lose/lose situation: either stand our ground and sit in uncomfortable tension for the remainder of the meal, or give in and eat something we really don’t want to.
In this situation, there’s only one thing to say (and to believe in your heart of hearts). It’s not me – it’s YOU.
FRIEND OR FOE?
Of course, not all of your friends are going to eat and live the way you do – but despite your differences, a good friend will be supportive of your efforts to lose weight, improve your medical condition, or better your quality of life, even if they don’t agree with your specific choices.* So if the scenario we describe below is your “friend” situation, perhaps it’s time for some honest self-evaluation:
- Your friends are constantly trying to tempt you with things you “can’t” eat or drink.
- They make not-so-friendly remarks about your diet and lifestyle, trying to make you feel bad for choosing healthy foods and passing on less-healthy fare.
- They go out of their way to make you feel different or “weird” for your eating habits.
- They always choose locations for social gatherings that are not conducive to your health concerns, like pizza parlors or the local neighborhood bar.
- When dining at their homes, they never prepare options that you can enjoy (or bother asking if there is anything special you need), even though they know you’re on a special eating plan.
Do these sound like good friends to you?
*Of course, if your friends are honestly concerned for your health, suspecting that you aren’t eating enough, or assuming you aren’t getting adequate nutrition, it’s normal for them to ask questions to make sure you’re taking good care of yourself. That’s not the situation we’re talking about here.
TAKE A STAND
One of the first things they tell you in rehab (whether it be for drugs or alcohol) is to change your environment. If you’re trying to avoid alcohol or drugs, you cannot continue to hang out with the same people who are still using, and still pressuring you to “let loose,” “relax,” and “have fun” in ways you no longer subscribe to.
Why shouldn’t it be the same with friends and food?
Of course, we’re not saying you should drop all your bread-eating friends the minute you start your Whole30. There is no reason you can’t dine with others who eat differently than you do! But there is a difference between those who make different choices, and those who go out of their way to make you feel bad for the choices you are making. Why subject yourself to criticism, peer pressure, taunts, or ridicule from these so-called friends? Especially when you know that their efforts to sabotage your healthy eating plan makes you far more likely to give in and eat things you don’t really want to.
If this is your scenario, there are a few things you can do to address it, and potentially save the friendship and your healthy lifestyle efforts.
- Directly confront the behavior of your friends. Point out their peer-pressure ways, and let them know it’s not cool. You don’t judge their choices, and you expect them not to judge yours.*
- Refuse to engage in the conversation, and change the subject immediately. Be clear that your food choices are not up for discussion at the dinner table, but if they’d like to ask you questions another time, that would be welcomed.
- Socialize with friends outside of food. Go for a hike, hit a fun exercise class, or take a class together – but make the activity time something that doesn’t involve desserts or drinks.
- Invite friends to your house for the next social occasion. Serve them delicious, tasty, decadent meals that all fall within your healthy eating parameters, and show them you still indulge (and enjoy) tasty foods that are also good for you.
*Make sure you’re actually not judging their choices, whether intentionally or not. Maybe they’re just reacting to your disapproving glances when they order that dessert! Be honest with yourself here.
FALL BACK AND RE-FRIEND
If none of those strategies work, it may be time to fall back and find some new friends – those who are supportive and encouraging of your efforts. You can find like-minded folks anywhere and everywhere – in the gym, at a Primal or Paleo meet-up, at the beach, on a hike, or dining next to you at The Mission. (Restaurants are the perfect way to connect – if the plate of the person next to you looks like yours, strike up a conversation!)
Our Whole30 Forum is another great place to meet like-minded folks – who says all your friends have to be in your town? Virtual support and friendship is another great way to stay on track, especially when you’re not getting support at home.
Either way, it’s time to take your own health by the horns, and do what you need to do to set yourself up for success. Whether that’s redefining your relationship with your friends or finding new friends, just be sure to remember one thing:
It’s not YOU.
You’re not the weird one, you’re not the un-fun one, you’re not the one spoiling the party by passing on the pancakes. You should never feel bad about taking steps to make yourself healthier – and you should never let anyone (friend or otherwise) suggest otherwise.
Have you had to change your friends (or change your relationship with your friends) because of your healthy eating habits? How have you dealt with these issues? Share with our readers in comments! (For more of our thoughts on talking to friends and family about your new healthy eating habits, read Chapter 20 of our new book, It Starts With Food.)
Photo header image: Take a Megabite
I’ve found that it’s important to be polite, don’t over analyze your friends’ intentions, and be willling to explain what eating nutritionally dense food is all about. Yes, you may come off a little “holier than thou”, but honestly, it’s your body, and at the end of the day, they don’t have to deal with the repercussions of “not worth it” off-roading.
That said, this gets far more complicated when you extend it to family. I often have to be a little more stern there, but I do find that they are more forgiving in the long run than friends.
Wow… thank you for this. Since the beginning of my Paleo efforts, I have recieved the comments and glances and questions… and worst of all – the pressure to try “just one bite”. The one bite that won’t kill me. And usually that bite tastes like garbage anyway. Glad I’m not alone. This is great. Thank you. I will definitely be putting some of these tips to good use.
The Mission is awesome, and the french toast there is truly the best french toast I’ve ever had. That said, once I lost my taste for grains (particularly wheat) and sugars, it’s been pretty easy to pass up (besides, the Mission Rosemary or the Roast Beef Hash – sub GF bread, skip horseradish cream are delicious options).
Before getting to the point of “I just feel better without it”, I was in the middle of temptations like everyone else. My go-to line became “I’m doing an experiment that requires me to be pretty strict with what I eat. I plan to try to reintroduce some things once I complete my 30 days of clean eating to see if I can identify triggers to [headaches/skin issues/gut pain/etc], but until then, I don’t want to blow my experiment and start from scratch.” The pressure from friends backed off when I put it in terms of a controlled experiment.
Sure “just one bite” won’t kill me, but me NOT having “just one bite” won’t kill my friends either. I am yet to get a decent explanation how what I eat makes their lives less fun. Whenever that comes up I tell them they should be happy I haven’t gone vegan!!
Rick, that approach works if you’re on your Whole30, but what about life after? Perhaps explaining, “Hey, remember that experiment? I figured out french toast makes me feel like crap. So, no thanks!” is the best way to go. Thanks for sharing!
Carlye, I love that approach! Often, we see friends trying to guilt other friends into doing something just so they don’t have to feel so bad about their own (admittedly poor) choices. That’s not a friendly strategy! I like your response a lot.
Melissa
I think, when people who care about you see you actively making the right choice, it forces them to face their own insecurities about diet, weight, health, etc. They’ve relied on routines you once shared together as a comfort, and relish those things like an ice cream date or drinks on Thursdays. When you take those things away it can be unnerving. We have all felt that little twinge of uneasiness when our friend has accomplished something we know we should too, but just havent gotten around to for whatever reason.. They might also feel as though you are judging them for indulging, and might try to turn the tables on you to avoid their own discomfort.
I try to find other ways to get together that don’t require eating, or I make a meal for a group. When they’ve stuffed themselves on delicious meat and veggies, It becomes clear that we aren’t depriving ourselves in the slightest. Especially when our freezer is chock full of every meat imaginable.
Otherwise, i try to just let it go. My family is the worst. My sister needs to lose about 40lbs and despite everything we have talked about (whole 30, paleo, etc) , she prefers my mom’s “everything in moderation” adage. She thinks that my husband is suffering during our whole 30 and he deserves at least one soda a day. Luckily, they all live an hour away so we don’t have to worry about it. Our friends had given us a hard time about not drinking, but nothing beats a designated driver so they got over it pretty quickly!
I spent several months going through the reasons, over and over and over. Finally I got tired of it all and now I just say I am diabetic and do not eat anything with flour or sugar. It is a lie of course but I self-justify the lie because the lie has stopped the constant goading, explanations, etc. “I’m diabetic” stops everything.
I’ve come to realize that most of the discouraging comments come from people who are insecure about their own eating habits. but, i can’t eat to make them feel better. sometimes i will avoid the situation. e.g. for memorial day i showed up to a bbq after dinnertime. my friends were so sweet they saved me a plate. “i only gave you a little bit of pasta salad because i know you don’t like carbs.” i didn’t correct her, but really appreciated the grilled meat and zucchini the next morning. yum!
Some people are just jealous because they can’t or wan’t stop eating that stuff they know it’s bad for them and make them unhealthy and fat. So they wan’t to fix you again eating that stuff, because this makes them feel better in a psychological strange manner. Sometimes it’s hard to stay away from those places. Especially for me it’s family and that makes it even harder.
They live a few hours away so I stay there over the weekend most of the time. I now visit them less, because they eat a very unhealthy way and don’t want (or should I say can’t) change it. I think my Dad slowly dies on his eating habits, getting sicker and sicker every time I see or hear him him. That’s sad but the way it is and I see no way to help him if he don’t want to change. What’s not okay for me is that they constantly make fun of me eating different. Not that they don’t support it by buying special food for me (in very small amounts) but constantly want to drive me into eating Ice cream, cake and all that stuff making jokes if I instead eat some healthy stuff. Or act like they’re angry because they spent hours in the kitchen and I don’t appreciate there work by declining to eat it.
The only thing you can do is talk to somebody and try to help him, if he declines you need to stay hard if he is forcing you in a way you don’t want, or just simply stay away.
It sounds to me like the friends enjoying the french toast feel threatened and/or guilty as a result of the one person acting responsibly. I’ve never personally been on either side of that conversation, fortunately.
There is no logical reason to believe that one person eating something different is being “less fun”, unless that person’s actions are making the others think about the consequences of their own. I can’t ever remember being in such a situation myself, perhaps that part of being a guy. But I think were I in that position, I’d turn the tables on them. “Here, try some egg with avocado, it’s soooo yummy!”, etc. And when they decline, point out how much less fun they are. Of course, I like poking dragons. Others might just say, “Sorry, I can’t, I’m allergic to wheat and gluten, and unless you want this meal to end with me puking on you, I’d better not!”.
I’ve heard a few comments elsewhere about this article and how often it’s tough to be the one eating a salad when others are enjoying pizza, pasta, whatever. As someone who’s favorite food used to be spaghetti, I can somewhat relate to that. But it’s been at least 2 years now since I’ve had any kind of pizza or pasta and now I just tell people I can’t eat that stuff if I expect to train in the morning. But honestly, I never feel deprived when others are eating that stuff, as I’m usually chowing on some kind of meat which is always far yummier than anything made with wheat, and never elicits any comments at all.
I’m really lucky in that my family is very supportive. In situations where others (friends, co-workers) are eating sweets, etc. I usually say something like “that looks really yummy, I bet it’s delicious” but I still don’t eat any myself. Somehow that often seems to satisfy them.
Thank you for this. I used to be able to say I had a race or competition coming up. I’m no longer a competitive athlete and have really struggled in this area, especially when my friends want to know why I’m not drinking most weekends. Usually just saying I’m not up for a drink/cookie/whatever works, but sometimes there is that one really pushy person who won’t let it go.
Because I’m still fat i can generally say something like, “We’ll I’ve lost 45 pounds eating this way so far and my blood sugars are now normal. Don’t you think that is a good thing?” By the time I can say, “I’ve lost more than 100 pounds doing this,” I don’t expect anyone to argue with me anymore.
RK, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. We also see a lot of insecurity and jealousy from a friend or partner/spouse – you’re both kind of eating poorly, not really exercising, and all of a sudden one of you starts making changes and leaving the other person behind. It can bring out the worst in people, unfortunately. Your strategy of making meals for others is a great one!
Phocion, I can understand your frustration. It can be tempting to say you have a disease or allergy just to get people to lay off!
Amy, I agree with your points too. And when you have friends that go out of their way to try to be supportive, even if they don’t quite get it right, that’s a really good thing.
David, the family situation is really hard. It stinks that you have to avoid your loved ones because of your choices (and theirs) are sparking conflict – but you have to do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and happy. If their environment is unhealthy for you, then perhaps not visiting as often (and maybe making more phone calls?) might be what you need to do for YOU right now.
Paul, you’ve nailed it here. I like your “try some of what I’m having, it’s delicious” approach – and pointing out that they’re no less fun because of their lack of vegetables may just make them aware that their points are just silly.
Nancy, that’s a brilliant strategy! You’re not making them feel bad about their choice, but you still aren’t being “forced” to indulge. Well done.
Allie, I used to use the “training” stuff a lot, too, especially when I didn’t want to drink alcohol. Now, I’m no longer competing, but I can still say, “Look, I do nutrition for a living! If the paparazzi catch me downing a martini, how’s that going to look?” The lightheartedness often makes it easier for friends to accept.
Linda, congrats on your weight loss! I think pointing out how well your plan is working for you is another brilliant strategy. Whether it’s weight loss, reduction in allergies, no more stomach discomfort or improved mood, it’s hard to argue with results!
Best,
Melissa
Love this post. You hit on all of the important parts of this.
One of the best things you said, “Make sure you’re actually not judging their choices, whether intentionally or not. Maybe they’re just reacting to your disapproving glances when they order that dessert! Be honest with yourself here.”
Exactly.
Have you ever seen all of the diet police notes at Passive Aggressive Notes? Geez. We have one of them in my office who always has to comment on people’s food choices – positive or negative. “Do you know how many calories are in that?!?” or “Wow! Good job putting lots of colors on your plate!” It’s seriously obnoxious.
Food is personal and I make my choices. Sometimes I have treat foods. I’m an adult and I get to choose those. I don’t need anyone harshing my mellow on a rare treat with their criticisms. Nor do I need a pat on the back for having a lunch he approves of. If people ask about your diet, share it. Preach the good parts. “I get to eat these delicious things. I feel a lot better. Yes, sometimes I want some pasta but really it’s led me to discovering lots of really good things that I wouldn’t have tried before.” They don’t need a simple question to turn into an awkward diatribe about the evils of gluten. It’s great to be excited about Paleo and to want to share it with everyone and make them all feel as good as you do. Try to find the balance.
To some extent, I think people are right about how some friends will feel threatened by a major shift in your diet. I would lean less towards guilt about their own food choices to more concern about if you remove the things you used to bond over, is there still a place for them in your life? Sometimes they do just want to not be alone in indulging. Sometimes they were hoping to have someone to share a dessert. But I would certainly give them the benefit of the doubt.
I find that one of the easiest outs is to say you just aren’t that into something be it bread, pasta, chocolate, whatever. It works with people and situations where you really just want to continue having fun and not get into a whole diet discussion. Just a light, “Eh, I just don’t like bread so much. I’d rather save room for my steak!” “My breakfast is just so good. I’ll have some French toast if I still have room.”
Some people just won’t quit and then it’s time for a heart to heart. Be kind and listen to their feelings. “I’m trying to do this thing that really makes me feel better physically and emotionally. It really makes me uncomfortable when I keep being pressured eat things I don’t want to. This is important and I need your support.”
Hi everyone. I just wanted to say that this post and the comments are exactly what I needed. My extended family is not very supportive of my change in eating habits, and I’m going to visit them this weekend. Having been dreading it, and almost declined the invitation, but it’s been too long since I’ve seen them, due to the lack of support. (Not always a healthy environment for me, but I’m learning!) I have to remember to stay strong and use the VERY helpful information posted here. Thank you so much!
I’ve been pleasantly surprised by my friend’s reactions. We have a monthly pot-luck get together, and at first it was a little awkward, “We’ll be grilling meat, bring whatever YOU want to eat”, but after talking about paleo (and some cooking demos of really good stuff) they’re all paleo now too!(At least one meal a month.) They don’t bring chips and salsa anymore, but meat to grill and salads. It’s way cool! My enthusiasm about and the obvious effects of my eating paleo have been a very good testimonial of the benefits. People are generally more gracious and kind than I give them credit for.
I haven’t had too much pressure from friends about food, but drinking has definitely come up. At this point, the one friend I have that really pressed me about it when I did my first whole30 last August, has finally turned a page. However, in the beginning, it felt a little awkward that she seemingly needed me to be downing drinks with her for us to connect. I jokingly told her, “just drink till I’m funny.”
I’ve also realized, though, that I often used alcohol to make not so fun situations more bearable. After having more time off alcohol than on over the last 10 months, I realized that if I need to drink to enjoy someone’s company, than perhaps I should just be around them. I surround myself with people I love being around, and encourage myself to be comfortable and carefree sans alcohol. I’ve had some AMAZING times over the last year, and I’ve laughed my ass off and completely dorked out, all while being totally sober. Even when others are drinking, for the most part I’m with people now who are not invested in whether or not I drink with them. And why should they be?
CORRECTION – I realized that if I need to drink to enjoy someone’s company, than perhaps I should just NOT be around them.
This was good… I’ve experienced this when on another very healthy eating plan. People immediately assume that because you didn’t take a donut you’re anorexic. Because you lose 10 lbs. your secretly purging on your lunch break. I finally realized that for the most part everyone saying, “Aren’t you EATING?!?” was way overweight and I think that my success just made them uncomfortable. They assumed that because they were not losing weight and I was there was something wrong with ME. It didn’t hurt my feelings but I did find it a little bit rude that it was suddenly ok to constantly comment on my food choices, weight, and personal decisions. Whereas if I’d said, “OMG, you’re gaining so much weight! Maybe you should stop eating so much!” I’d be considered horribly rude.
Not that I’d say any of that, and I always just said, “Well, I’m not hungry and I feel great!” How do you argue with that? And then I’d show them my lunch: grilled chicken cut up on a salad with walnuts and vinaigrette…
I love this post and it is a situation I warn people about constantly. It is upsetting to hear about these situations. Great post!
I especially love this part:
“You’re not the weird one, you’re not the un-fun one, you’re not the one spoiling the party by passing on the pancakes. You should never feel bad about taking steps to make yourself healthier – and you should never let anyone (friend or otherwise) suggest otherwise.”
Since I’ve changed to my “Paleo” lifestyle, I’ve noticed the “friendly-enemies” and pressure to eat non-paleo foods. I smile and say “no thank you” to start. If the pressure continues, I smile and say “mind your own plate.” That generally gets the message across. I think it takes them off-guard a little. I’ve had success with it.
To add to a previous comment, I am careful not to comment or judge any other person’s plate. They are adults and need to make their own choices. I want to be free to make mine. I only share my nutritional life style with people that ask me about my food choices or the changes in my body.
Being someone who stopped drinking over 16 years ago, at 21, I’ve dealt with this same situation with alcohol for years. It’s a delicate dance sometimes, but usually if I just tell people it doesn’t agree with my stomach or will wreck me for the next day’s workout they usually back off. But, I definitely agree that if you find your friends trying to sabotage what you’re doing then they’re probably aren’t real quality friends. I’ve found that the most flack I get for my paleo ways is from my FAMILY! Never accommodating and always trying to get us to eat this treat, or that treat. We’re going on vacation with them this year and I’m going to be in the middle of a Whole30. I’m sure it will be fine but there will be lots of things to resist, I’m sure. :-\ But, I’ll survive and feel good doing it.
Seems to be a common theme that family may be harder to deal with than friends! That’s a much tougher situation, as you can’t un-friend your Mom or sister. Dealing with it directly and tactfully is the best approach, and when you just can’t win… fall back. Enjoy time together that doesn’t enjoy food, or agree to disagree and keep your comments off each others’ food and drink choices.
I think sometimes we bring this on ourselves. We go into a social situation assuming or expecting that others will give us a hard time for our choices, which immediately puts us on the defensive, which immediately resonates with the other person, which may turn a totally normal situation into a complicated one. I like the idea of giving people the benefit of the doubt up front, and giving them credit where credit is due. If you expect people will look at you weird, you’ll probably be acting weird, which means they WILL treat you weird! But be yourself, and do what you do, and others will be more likely to respond in kind.
Best,
Melissa
I’ve dealt with this a lot, especially recently. A year ago I was doing great on paleo, losing weight, but most importantly I was feeling great. I broke my foot about 5 months ago, and since then I got away from living a paleo lifestyle, making excuses about it being too difficult. Sure, it would have been a little more difficult than if I was able to walk, but definitely still possible. I’ve attempted multiple times to get back on track and then I stop, partially because of myself, but also because people can be so negative about it when they don’t understand (or care to understand) the facts, in order to understand how incredible it is, and in turn I give in. Many of my friends think its ridiculous to be “so strict” about food, and can’t believe how much work it is to stay compliant. Being a full time student, and full time worker I can certainly vouch for it being challenging at times. However, if choosing a healthy lifestyle (in which you feel better than ever) isn’t a top priority, what the heck is?! Not to mention, paleo is only strict towards the things negatively affecting our health, and there are tons of amazing recipes which allow me to never feel restricted. I really appreciate this post because it encourages me to stop making all the excuses, in addition to not caring what other people think, once and for all. Also I really appreciate all the effort y’all put into being such a supportive and informative resource. Any time people genuinely want to know more about this lifestyle, you are the first place I direct them to!
P.S. Just got your book in the mail, can’t wait to finish reading it!
Calm down. You sound like militant vegans or Christians or Muslims or you name it. Paleo is not a religion. Don’t turn it into one.
I don’t have many non-paleo friends, so I don’t usually have this problem. My problem is with my mother-in-law, and husband. Since we live with the MIL (she had a stroke 10 yrs ago), we eat with her on the weekends, and wow, if you don’t eat what she eats, she becomes the food police.
I’ve had to tell her to back off a few times – and usually that works. It’s hard because she is in her 80′s and all this stuff she eats is “good” for her, and she won’t listen to anyone. That’s fine, but I also have to tell her to just eat what we made her, and don’t worry about my food. If that fails, I go to eat in the kitchen (she’s in a wheelchair) so we eat in her living space.
Thanks for reminding me that I am entitled to eat what I want without having to worry about what others express about it.
Kristylynn, thank you for the kind word. We have the best community ever, and we love writing articles that they really like reading!
Laura, this is really hard. Politely pointing out that you don’t criticize her food, and you would kindly expect her to do the same for you may be the best way to handle it – and moving to eat elsewhere is a fine, non-confrontative way to handle mealtimes. Sounds like you’re handling it as best as you can.
Melissa
You all are so kind. My friends know that what I eat works and what they eat doesn’t but they are hooked on their carbs like a drug and struggle with weight. But if any of them bugged me I’d tell them to F off if they don’t like my food choices. At that point who the hell do they think they are anyway?
one of my best friends took me out for oysters and lobster because she is great, but i found it hilarious that her response to my drinking water instead of a sugary cocktail was to say: “can’t you just put it in your mouth and taste it then spit it out?”
believe me, if i took a bite of, say, chocolate cake, there’s no way i would have the willpower to spit it out!
mostly though, my friends were just tired of me being to sick to do fun things with them, so whatever it takes to get me the energy to go to a dance party they’re happy about.
Tim, your approach may very well be the best one! Being really direct is often the best way to address the situation and move forward. Of course, this approach won’t work for everyone, and for every situation, but I’ve used it in the past and it’s been effective. (Minus the f-bomb, perhaps.)
Sarah, I think it’s great that your friends can see that making these changes makes you MORE likely to hang out and have fun, as you’re not feeling so run-down and crappy all the time! That’s a great way to look at it.
Melissa
What I find hard to deal with is the guilt.
I am a difficult person to have over for dinner, or go out for a meal with, because my choices are so non standard. With an amazingly bad casein intolerance and a mild gluten intolerance, I’m accustomed to cooking for myself such that I eat healthy, delicious, satisfying food at home.
However, I’m also a picky eater – I don’t eat salads, fruits, or sweet potato. They all just taste or feel horrible to me, and I’d rather not eat. When I’m eating out, if I don’t have the option (or the money for) a good quality steak, I’m often stuck eating fries, if I want to eat at all.
I just feel so horrible for making my friends work harder for my choices. Yes, they are choices for my health, and yes, they would probably be healthier for making similar choices.
As a result, I find myself declining invitations, arriving late, or avoiding social situations that might possibly involve food entirely. Or not eating, which is a whole other set of health problems.
Some situations I BYO – dinners at friends houses, I often bring a dish, or some snacks I eat discreetly. Others, especially when travelling, are harder.
Elspeth, I’m sure this feels hard, but the more you bring these feelings of guilt upon yourself, the harder you make it! I hope your friends don’t go out of their way to make you feel like a pain in the butt when you dine with them – so maybe you can just accept that your friends want to take good care of you, and they’re willing to go out of their way to do so, happily. I’m sure your friends have things you put up with as well – but you care for them, so it’s worth the extra effort.
Best,
Melissa
I think anytime we live out of the norm of our culture, we are apt to have these sorts of feelings and reactions from others.
Somehow, our thoughtful choices can put others on the defensive even without our meaning to. We have lived without a television since we married fourteen years ago. I do not usually say anything about it if I can avoid it. Sometimes, it is just necessary to say something.
People react strongly and usually feel the need to tell me, “I don’t watch much.” Truly, I do not care how much anyone else watches. Why would I? We made a choice we believe in, you should, too.
That decision has made our family odd in some eyes. Next, was deciding to homebirth our children. Also, a conscious choice made for our own reasons. For that choice, I get to hear about how everyone else almost died in labor. Ok.
Now we homeschool. So, we’re freaks.
Whatever. I was a public school elementary teacher. Not that I should need to justify our choice with that information.
Ironically, eating different from everyone else shouldn’t be too hard. Most people that know us, like us anyway.
I started my first Whole 30 last month and had a get together with friends a few days in. Some one brought a dessert that by my old standards would have been really healthy. I politely declined and stuck to my cup of tea. I was questioned, answered and explained briefly.
The following discussion around me-I remained silent-was one you all have probably heard a million times. It was new to me though. Wow. Defensive much people?
So, I figure, I’ve been the odd one out so many times for things I never thought were a big deal, I should be able to handle this, right?
It is so much easier to just do what everyone around you does, isn’t it? No one notices until you take a stand and make a different choice. Just remember why you made the choice and stick to it! And come on over, we’ll eat and talk and laugh and really become friends. And I’ll listen, because after all, there won’t be a television to distract us.
Kimberly,
I can relate to what you’re talking about. We have not had TV in years, but when we tell people, “We don’t have TV” they seem to take it as a judgment, not a simple statement of fact. It IS easier to do what everyone else is doing – studies show that people who eat with others tend to eat more, man or woman. But being confident in your decision, and not letting others’ discomfort with their OWN choices, is the key to sticking to your guns. Thanks so much for sharing.
Melissa
Yes, friends can make snarky comments, particularly when alcohol is involved. That said depending on the person, going Whole-30 can come across as being superior and even annoying. The diet takes a major focus on food and it can easily creep into conversation with others.
While I agree with your point about avoiding food-ifused get-togethers with friends if it’s a touchy subject, expecting someone to make you a special meal when they’ve invited you into their home is a bit over the line, and, frankly part of the superior attitude people take while on Whole 30 that annoys so many others.
Jen, I can’t possibly figure out how DOING the Whole30 (or taking steps to improve your health, in general) is superior or annoying in and of itself. That sounds like exactly the kind of defensive response that we’re talking about here in the article, in fact! It could be how others at the table perceive my mealtime choices, but if I am honestly not projecting any of that myself, well, that’s not my problem… that’s my dinner companions’ problems.
If a friend invites me to dinner, I expect that friend to accommodate my preferences, just as I would accommodate theirs. If that’s too much trouble, then I’m going to decline the invitation, and think twice about dining with that “friend” again. Respecting one another’s choices is a basic tenet of friendship, and frankly, simply not that difficult in the case of food. I’ve easily accommodated vegetarians, vegans, and those with various allergies in my house, happily… and without making my guest feel as though they are putting me out or being “annoying” for their moral, religious, or health choices.
Best,
Melissa
I get a lot of this at home, and one way I deal with it is have people try the food I’m eating. I plan Whole30 meals that are “regular people” friendly and have everyone share in. That way I don’t seem as weird and I can enjoy food with everyone.
Yay Kimberly!!