By Melissa Urban, head of the East Coast chapter of “Team Urban”
We call my Dad “Captain Tom” as a nod to the fact that he is an accredited Coast Guard Captain, and a retired fishing bum in the Florida Keys. Saturday is my Dad’s birthday, and I wanted to use the occasion to share his story with our readers. (Translation: Today, I get to brag about my Dad.)
My Dad has been an important source of information, advice and guidance throughout the years, even more so lately as we grow and develop the Whole9. So when he came to me a few months ago asking ME for some health and fitness advice, I sat myself down, grabbed a notebook and a pen, and listened. “What would it take,” he asked me, “to get you to run my life for a little while? You know, help me with diet, exercise, all that stuff?” I put down my pen, took a deep breath, and I responded firmly, “Dad, I won’t even talk to you until you quit smoking. Give up the cigarettes, and then ask me again.”
That was really hard for me to say, but it was also the truth. My Dad has been a smoker for practically his whole life, and we both knew it was only a matter of time before the habit called in its chips in the form of a serious health issue. Plus, I wasn’t exactly giving him brand new information. My Dad had tried to quit smoking a number of times throughout the years, and he and his wife Susan were always half-seriously talking about trying again.
Over the course of the next few weeks, I heard rumblings of an Urban smoke-free target date, but it wasn’t until my last trip to the Keys (in early December) that I got the full story. My Dad and Susan had taken the plunge and entered a smoking cessation program on December 1st. Which brings us to the part where I get to brag:
As of my Dad’s birthday (February 20th), he and Susan have been 100% smoke-free for a full 11 weeks and 5 days.
While I would love to think that our little conversation played a role in his decision to quit, I know there were other, more important factors at play. Here’s what my Dad had to say on the subject during some of our recent telephone conversations.
“My cigarette smoking was a 50 year habit. I didn’t think I’d ever see the day when I would no longer be a smoker. I’ve tried to quit many times before, and it just never stuck. You sign up for one of those programs and they ask why you want to stop smoking… they expect you to say, ‘I want to be healthier.’ But that concept of ‘healthier’ is just bullshit. What does that even mean, exactly? It just wasn’t motivating for me. I’ve stayed active, I visit my doctor regularly, my cholesterol was good, my blood pressure was good, my lungs were okay. I figured I was getting older, and staying pretty healthy, so there was no real reason to ever quit.
What it came down to, though, was this… I want to be in control of my life. I mean, if I’m not, who is? And the idea of that pack of cigarettes being in control of my body, and my life, that really pissed me off. I thought about what would happen if I left for a full day of fishing and realized I left my cigarettes back on the dock. One of two things – I’d either go all the way back to get them, or I’d be anxious and miserable all day thinking about not being able to smoke. And I realized I did not want to live the rest of my life like that. So that became my motivation – taking back control of my life.
Plus, I have to stay active for my business. As a fishing boat captain in Alaska a few summers ago, I performed all kinds of manual labor. We moved logs, hauled huge bags of sawdust across muddy trails and helped our clients reel in some really big fish. That’s hard work! I watched a California State Trooper – a BIG guy, think “Muscle Beach” material – literally collapse of exhaustion after bringing in a 120-pound halibut. And I thought, I want to be able to do that five or ten years from now. I don’t want to let ‘the big one’ get away because I’m too tired or winded to reel him in.
Since I’ve quit smoking, my sense of smell has improved. I can taste things again – my food tastes better. We can go for a brisk walk and talk the whole time, and not be winded. I can ride my bike faster, I have more energy. And I’m no longer a slave to the pack. I don’t have to worry about finding a place to smoke in the airport, I don’t have to worry about where I’m going to put my pack when I’m in a t-shirt and shorts, and I don’t have to think about being out on the water for ten hours and running out of cigarettes. In fact, I don’t have to think about cigarettes at all any more. And… it’s wonderful.”
Captain Tom's first King Salmon, Ketchikan, AK, June 2004
My Dad told me recently that he uses our Whole30 posts for motivation – like the time when I said that you don’t “slip” into a dietary cheat, unless you literally trip and land face first in a box of Krispy Kremes. The concept of “choice, not slip” works for cigarettes too, and I’m thrilled to help inspire him and Susan to stay smoke-free. We’ve also started talking diet and exercise now – in fact, the Whole9 is headed down to the Keys in May for a special private workshop (in exchange for fishing trips and snorkeling charters). So today, post a birthday wish to Captain Tom and drop a word of encouragement in comments. And from me, Dad… I could not be more proud of you. Happy Birthday, and we wish you many happy, healthy, fish-on years to come!
Happy Birthday Captain Tom. You’re adorable! Hearty congratulations on quitting the “pack”. I’m proud of you too. Fish on!
As Captain Tom’s youngest (and some might argue favorite!) daughter, it is with great pride that I wish him a HAPPY, HAPPY birthday and acknowledge the discipline that he (and Susan) have exercised to stop smoking. If you follow this blog and believe in the Whole9, it’s partly out of an understanding that every single day presents an opportunity to make hundreds of decisions that can affect your health positively or negatively. And if you follow this blog and believe in the Whole9, you also understand that HABITS can be your very best friend or your very worst enemy.
For our father, smoking was more than a habit; it was engrained in his entire lifestyle. It accompanied him through every part of his day, with the act of smoking literally being a PART of an activity (i.e. start XX project, then take a smoke break, then complete XX project). For years, “smoker” was simply one of the words I would use to describe or define him.
For anyone who has tried to quit anything, the act of sharing your intentions can be a double edged sword. On the one hand, telling others can help keep you accountable or serve as a motivator to make the right choice when the devil (of smoking, of chocolate cake, of sleeping in) comes a’ knockin’. On the other hand, it means that you will have an audience – people that will be checking in, checking up, and generally being invested in your progress.
For my dad, the declaration of his efforts to quit smoking seemed to trigger an openness to all sorts of other conversations – about overall health and wellness, food and nutrition, exercise and rest. Phone calls became about the hour-long walks he and Susan were taking each day and the realization that doing a pull up is actually a lot harder than it looks. What started as my father’s mission to stop smoking quickly evolved into a mission to gain better health… and there is a JOY in this new mission that is audible; tangible; infectious. My dad now talks about squats and push ups and walking lunges. I have learned that my inability to jump rope is genetically linked to HIS inability to jump rope (damn you, dad!). We swap suggested routes for walks around his neighborhood. We have found a new commonality as father and daugther(s).
I will speak for both Melissa and me in saying that just stopping smoking would have been enough… And for that act alone, I applaud my father (and Susan!) for their amazing efforts and results. But to be a part of my father’s discovery of a new, healthier, active lifestyle is a blessing that is unexpected and incredibly powerful.
So the Whole9 has gained a new disciple. And while Captain Tom is the student and Melissa is the teacher, I can guarantee that at some point my dad will refuse to do something she is recommending, just so he can say, “because I’m your FATHER, that’s why.”
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!
Congrats on sticking to it. My dad smoked for 30 years and tried many times to quit before it finally took. He is now 81 and has almost NOT smoked for as long as he did. He’s more full of life and possibilities now smoke free than he was then. It was a major turning point for his life as I’m sure it is for yours. Keep on keeping on!
Mr Urban,
Here’s wishing you a happy, happy birthday. Looking forward to visiting you and Susan in the Keys in May. May your next (smoke-free!) year be happy, healthy, and full of good fishing!
Dallas
That’s really cool, Melissa. Great.
This is a pretty inspiring post! Happy Birthday Mr.Urban! Thanks for convincing me to put down the cake!!
Absolutely! Congrats, Captain Tom, on reclaiming your freedom. And Happy Birthday!
My father was a 30-year-smoker, too, and tried many times to quit, but never did… until my first daughter (his first grand-daughter) was born, and he had a heart attack—and triple bypass surgery—a few months after. The heart attack was a wake-up call, but his motivation to live was to see his grand-daughter grow up. Just goes to show you, fear will only take you so far, but love can take you all the way.
Thank you for that post, being almost 3 weeks into the Whole 9 program and dealing with major cravings, I am inspired by your tenacity and “once and for allness” to quit, I am still in the process of trying to cut myself some slack when I give in, but the next time I think about giving in, I will definitely be thinking of Captain Tom and his ability to stop, Happy Birthday to you!
Claudia
I had no idea that my two daughters would write so personally to me and about us in the blog. That they care is the greatest reward for a Dad. That they are proud enough to brag on our relationship is the best Birthday present I could have.
I’ve been “outed” here and I feel more responsibility to continue succeeding. This is a good thing now. It helps. I don’t want to wrestle this demon ever again.
Thanks to all of you in the Whole9 family for your kind words, thoughts and encouragement.
Wow- Captain…you are truly an inspiration!!! Here’s to many, many more years of living! Happy Birthday!!!
Congratulations, Captain Tom — and a very, VERY happy birthday! I hope I have the pleasure of meeting you some day. Anyone who can make a daughter as wonderful as Ms. Melissa has got to be a pretty terrific person.
My dad’s name is Tom, too. I love daydreaming about the two Toms and the two Melissas getting together for some kind of caper.
Happy Birthday Captain Tom.
My dad stopped smoking 35 years ago, after 40 years when I was 15. On his passing a few years ago, not related to smoking we found letters that my mum had kept under a drawer liner from my myself, and my younger brothers and sister that we had written saying how much we loved him and we wanted him to stop.
You are lucky to have such a loving family and we all support your determination and willpower in your fight to take complete control. Take all the advice you can from Melissa and I’m sure your family will have a long time to share health and happiness together.
Melissa said, “Dad, I won’t even talk to you until you quit smoking.” Tough love is still love and sometimes a dope slap is more loving than a kiss. Besides, when have you ever seen Melissa mince words?
Lil’ Urban said “efforts to quit smoking seemed to trigger an openness to all sorts of other conversations – about overall health and wellness, food and nutrition, exercise and rest.”
Eliminating any habit leaves a hole that will be filled, one way or another. Stopping smoking (or eliminating a whole food group) leaves a BIG hole. It also leaves TWO problems to wrestle with. What you eliminated (and wants to come back) and what will take its place. And make no mistake; something will take its place!
Conversations (and acting on them) fill the hole. It’s support. It helps with motivation and reinforcement. It keeps pressure on to stay focused. There is that tub of B&J Chunky Monkey that would be more than happy to step up instead.
Captain Tom, first congratulations on kicking the habit and most certainly happy birthday and many more. One other thing that you should be immensely proud of (and I can tell you are) is the fantastic daughter(s) you have (Two Urban ladies, watch out!). Melissa is one of the most impressive people I have the pleasure of interacting with, if only virtually and periodically. Through her, I have been introduced to a path and way of thinking that has been sorely lacking in my life and in the lives of many others. Between her and Dallas, there is an incredible opportunity to save thousands of lives both directly and indirectly and unless I am overstating it, you are a driver in all of this as well by raising some very special people. So cheers, and well done. The circle is now complete, and its time for another go around.